A friend recently shared about how she was feeling pressured to attend a family event – she wanted to go because it was in honor of a loved (and non-abusive) family member, but she knew her abusers would be there, too, and normally their mere presence is enough to create nightmares and flashbacks for weeks afterward.

How does she show love for one, while protecting herself from the others? Here are some of the common questions a survivor might hear on these occasions:

“Can’t you just put your needs aside for one day and think of [insert name] on their special day? We should think of others before ourselves.”

“Didn’t you say you forgave them? Why are you still bringing this up? The bible says to ‘forgive and forget’.”

“God is protecting you, so why are you worried? Don’t you trust God?”

Have you ever heard anything like that before?

Me, too 😦

These kinds of messages come from people who are trying to keep everything running smoothly. Confronted with a person who is disrupting that, they rebuke the guilty party for not living up to their expectations, and often use God’s own words against them.

In this case, they are treating the abuse and its damage like an ankle sprain when it’s actually a compound fracture. The two injuries require very different treatments and getting them confused will always create more problems.

It’s not my place to know another person’s heart. Maybe the people who say these things have had such lovely, safe, good lives on earth that they have no idea what it’s like to suffer or to be broken. Is that even possible? Or…maybe they are already avoiding all their own “stuff” in the closet, and they conscientiously believe that is it your “Christian duty” to avoid your stuff, too?

But is that really what God is asking from you?

When God talks about living in peace with everyone, does he mean to ignore and enable evil to continue? Does God want you to protect people that abuse and exploit others? Does God want you to hide from the truth that you were affected, and protect others from being faced with their own evil?

Consider this message in the bible:

“They have healed the wound of my people lightly, saying, ‘Peace, peace,’ when there is no peace.” (Jeremiah 6:14 ESV)

Everybody else has happy encouraging life verses, but I think this one is my life verse.  Instead of saying, “Why don’t you fall in line with everybody else?” God is saying, “I can’t take it anymore!”

In Jeremiah’s time, the kingdom of Judah’s enemies were eager to overtake her. Jerusalem was under siege more than once and the so-called prophets at the time kept telling the people to have faith that God would save them, preaching “Peace, peace!” Unfortunately, that was the complete opposite of the case. God had had enough with a nation that sacrificed its own children to the Canaanite gods, and he had decreed that it would end soon.

So God was saying that the “wound of his people” was much deeper than the popular prophets would acknowledge. Their wound was not the enemy outside their gates, but the intentional, horrific destruction of every blessing God had given them, even their own children. He had been warning the people for centuries, pointing them to the right way, and they would not listen.

God was disgusted with the people of Judah.

God is disgusted with people who speak or act like abuse isn’t evil.

God is disgusted with people who speak or act like evil doesn’t have consequences.

You can be disgusted, too.

 

Side note:

It is possible for an abuse survivor to heal enough to the point that they are able face, forgive, and perhaps even reconcile with their abusers. But much more often, victims are pressured or pressure themselves to gloss over acts committed against them, and move on with life and “be normal” before they’ve experienced true freedom and healing. They are expected to walk without a crutch or bandages, and they usually end up more hurt, more trapped, and more alone than ever.