Here’s a few things that have given me panic attacks while in a church, since PTSD symptoms have surfaced. When you’re already dealing with how people close to you have mistreated and used you, it’s like salt in the wound to feel like you’re the only one that can’t handle a normal day at church. I hope this helps other survivors to feel like you’re not the only one!

1. Large crowds. I’m not sure how the church can solve this one, since getting together with other people is the point! But it’s hard. You can get violated in crowds – it happens. My own abuse certainly didn’t happen in a crowd, but when you’ve been abused, you realize how vulnerable you are around a lot of people. In addition to that, there’s all these people that look like they’re comfortable with each other, and I’m just not one of them. There were times I just couldn’t face it and I drove back home. (click here to read an article on PTSD and Social Anxiety)
2. Unpredictability. I started going to a new recovery group. About my second or third time there, they changed the format without warning. Instead of breaking out into the same small groups as before, they decided to have a full night of worship and prayer, and they said we would break out into informal small groups on the spot and pray together throughout the night. As a new person who knew no one and who had not yet figured out if this was a safe environment, I was already relying heavily on the structure I thought would be there. I started getting dizzy and a quick headache came on. I know lots of other people like me who would have the same response. I left before it got worse and I cried all the way home. (Disclaimer:  the dizziness subsided quickly once I left and started crying, so I was safe to drive.)
3. Loud music. On a rough weekend where I had been crying and remembering – if you were abused and you’re not numb, then you know how raw that makes you – I went to church. I wasn’t feeling great but I felt good enough to go and sit, or so I thought. I had been going to this particular church for a few months so their music was familiar to me, but that weekend I couldn’t handle it. I kept flinching at the drums and cringing at different noises. It was exhausting and I was just glad to get out of there. It would be nice if churches had a spa-music-themed worship day. Then people with an exaggerated startle response could participate more fully.
4. Zero-to-60 personal sharing. “Now that we all know each other’s names, let’s share our deepest fears and anxieties…” Oh yeah that sounds like a fantastic idea…let me talk about how every time I sing that one worship song, my hands start shaking because I’m afraid God’s going to rape me. And wouldn’t I just love to hear some unwelcome advice on how God is good and he would never fail me (ahem, he already did!). In churches, there doesn’t seem to be an appreciation for how trust is built. But this topic deserves a whole series of posts on the subject…
5. Sermons and worship songs that combine God’s goodness with violent verbs like invade, overwhelm, or fight. I’ve already talked about this a little bit here. It seems like this is the new stylish way to communicate in church circles, and I wonder how much of it is actually numbed trauma talking – who else could wish such a thing? I’ve gotten better with this over time, but I still flinch sometimes at the picture in my mind when these words are used. It’s truly awful to be invaded, overwhelmed, or fought against by a being that’s much more powerful than you. No one should wish it on themselves and it makes me sad to hear it.

There are many more, but these are the only ones that come to mind today.

Blessings.