It’s no exaggeration…there has been a lot of emotional mismanagement in the history of the church, and at this point I don’t even think this is a shocking statement. Books like Emotionally Healthy Spirituality are already out there proclaiming it. But allow me to present one survivor’s take on what it’s been like to grow up with so-called “Christian” messages regarding emotions.

Under abuse, a survivor’s emotions were stomped on and crushed, perhaps manipulated for further abuse, and always disregarded so that the abuser could be satisfied. As a result, a survivor’s emotions have been fractured, and they are unable to fully live as the image of God, a God who is able to feel the whole range of emotions – even guilt, which he bore for us. All the less pleasant emotions of anger, pain, shame, guilt, and fear are either in constant red-alert, nonexistent, or vacillating between both, leaving the survivor unable to cope with the basic duties of life.

So please…abandon these messages:

1. “Forget what is behind and press on toward what is ahead, like Paul”

This message refers to a passage in Philippians 3 where Paul says that he’s forgetting the things he used to be prideful about, which is nothing related to the things that have oppressed and destroyed a person. Applying this to abuse is like applying it to Israel’s slavery in Egypt, and the Scriptures never encourage Israel to forget that. In fact, the Lord reminds Israel often, so that Israel would (1) be grateful to God that they were rescued, and (2) have compassion on the outsiders and slaves living among them.

Unfortunately, many of us were never rescued from abuse like that; we remember the absolute hopelessness of realizing that no one was going to come for us, and the abuse would happen again, again, and again, for years on end. There was no promise to deliver us, because everyone was busy pretending that everything’s fine and there’s nothing to be delivered from. Our rescue may only come slowly, as someone helps us look bravely at the abuse as evil in its fullness. Then we may be able to grieve it and let go, piece by piece.

Sorry if I’m triggering somebody, but I think it’s worth saying that the abuse lasted a long time, and it wouldn’t be “forgotten” so quickly. So no more talk about forgetting. In reality, it’s a lifelong journey out of the darkness, and most especially if that’s the way you were raised. If everyone else gets to spend their whole life being discipled and sanctified, then why do survivors have to rush to “get over it?” That’s not fair.

Anyone who is ungracious and impatient with a survivor reveals the selfishness in their own heart. A survivor’s pain will be more than you can bear. Guaranteed. But don’t imagine that this means it’s more pain than they should feel.

2. “Feelings are unpredictable and untrue”

Answer: False!

Wow, wow, wow. If I had a nickel every time I heard this from the pulpit! I swear it must be in the seminary curriculum somewhere…

Newsflash: emotions work like clockwork.

Yes, they can be influenced by many things – hormones, chocolate, extroverts, and four-year-olds. And yes, they can often be based on lies and misinformation (like the time you thought that black dot was a spider but it was really a fuzzy off your sweater).

But…emotions overwhelmingly, categorically, and faithfully represent the state of our souls and experiences, if you have the courage to listen to them. A violation will always result in anger. A betrayal will always result in hurt. A trauma will always result in fear. They’re just hard to understand because there’s a lot of layers and complications. We cover up our pain and point our emotions in the wrong directions. But there is a reason for every single one, and you can’t be sure an emotion is based on a truth or a lie unless you’re God. They shouldn’t be allowed to pull you around by the nose, but they should be listened to respectfully and attentively. They need community support. They should be loved, hugged, and proudly posted on the wall, like this:

“I am pissed about being raped!!!”

This is an appropriate reaction to evil and it should be encouraged. You may be surprised, but such an expression can actually lead to peace, gratitude, and faith, if you let it grow at its own pace. Consider it as manure to feed a new plant. Emotions provide the path for finding your true self…the self that God created and which lives by the Spirit, not the one you are trying to perform your way into through fear and guilt.

After abuse, a survivor is in need of extremely humane and patient treatment by experts. When anyone insinuates that a survivor should ignore or have contempt for their own feelings, then they are supporting the abuser’s message that the survivor’s emotions are garbage. A survivor has difficulty disagreeing with this idea because they were already conditioned that way under extreme pressure.

Although distancing yourself from your emotions may create structure for a time, this is damaging to the survivor’s long-term healing. Without intentional, long-term restorative surgery to a survivor’s emotional self, they will continue to have trouble bonding, loving, and receiving love from others and from God. And without these abilities, genuine Christian maturity and ministry are impossible or greatly handicapped, because the soul is still entangled with pain and evil. Read Exodus 6:9, Proverbs 4:23, and John 7:37-38 if you doubt me.

3. “If you suppress it, it will eventually go away”

Nobody actually said this, but it’s a silent maxim in many Christian circles. A typical sermon: Fight it, press it down, shame it, guilt it, ignore it, and eventually you will be a Christian who couldn’t care less! Ugh. It comes from the idea that unpleasant feelings are bad and should be discouraged, perhaps since they are not found in the euphoric moments of Jesus’s followers, who were suffering for their faith.

Allow me to say that suffering for something that you choose to do, and which you are certain will instigate persecution, is very different from suffering for being vulnerable and trapped. I have been attacked and ridiculed for doing what I knew was right and unwelcome; it was nothing like being attacked for being a child who had nowhere else to go.

We have become convinced as a body that it is the goal of every Christian to be fully disconnected from the world we live in. We preach 1 Thessalonians 5:16, but do we judge Paul in Romans 9:2 or Jesus himself in countless moments of anger or sadness?  Why do we expect to actually rejoice 100% of the time, when the perfect Messiah did not? Surely he knew more about the future while he walked on earth than we do now, so why do we always have to attach our emotions to the future promise? Can we not still grieve with those who grieve today?

We shouldn’t give 1 Thess. 5:16 more importance just because it fits better on a coffee mug. It’s inspiring, but it’s not the whole story.

In summary, will you shame the survivor who struggles to clean up the sins of someone else, which are written on their own soul? Or will you stand beside them, accept and listen to them, understand it’s beyond your ability to fix, and pray to the only One who can heal?