Hello, my name is Dinah and I’m glad you’re here. This site is for you and the people you love. I specifically would like to encourage those have been personally affected by sexual abuse and who might not be able to reconcile those hellish horrors to a trusting belief in the “good” God, as revealed in Jesus.

This is an ugly road, and it shouldn’t be walked alone. However, many of us are forced to walk alone for months, years, or even decades, to survive. I want to share my perspectives on living in the howling wilderness of terror, anger, and despair, and provide an alternative to the popular Christian rhetorical shit that you might often hear from pulpits, in worship songs, and from well-meaning friends. If this sounds familiar to you, please keep reading!

So a quick summary of my story first…

I grew up in the American Midwest to a Christian mom and an agnostic dad. For a long time, I told myself I had a good childhood – nevermind the daily marijuana and alcohol use that colored the experience! I told myself it was good enough, but in 2013 – at this point in my early 30’s – my internal world completely unraveled. Within a matter of months, I went from being a strong, intelligent woman to having a mental breakdown roughly every 4 days. That was the beginning signs of PTSD, which I still have, and a dark depression that lasted for about three years.

My dad sexually abused me in secret between the ages of 6 and 13, and my childhood pastor also molested me during that time. I repressed this until my body, mind, and heart ran out of the strength to ignore it. The following years have primarily been spent on believing the unbelievable, and learning how to care for myself properly. I now have almost no contact with my immediate biological family, and (hallelujah!) almost no loyalty to them. I have recovered so much more than I ever hoped, but it sometimes it appears that healing will never end, as long as we live in this world.

One of the central components of my healing process has been and continues to be a restoration of trust in God. Before 2013, my love and trust for God was genuine; but looking back, now I see that I only let God so close to me. I didn’t involve God in the more vulnerable parts of my soul, where I felt he had already abandoned me. There were parts of my heart that I needed to pretend didn’t exist and therefore it didn’t need attention from him, me, or anyone else, thank you very much!

But when the trauma hit me, it was like the door to a neglected room inside my soul was broken open, and it could never be shut again. Long-festering feelings, beliefs, and experiences were exposed to new air – and ew! It was dark, terrifying, and foul. In that closed-off part of my soul, I didn’t trust God; the truth was I hated him and I believed he was evil, because I believed he approved of what was done to me.

That’s what this blog is about – it’s about the trouble, and the progress, I have had integrating my damaged personhood with the personhood of the Judeo-Christian God of the Bible. Ugh.

One final thought…

Although this blog will come from my perspectives and will reflect one demographic and one experience (my abuse story, ethnicity, gender, socio-economic status, and sexual orientation), I believe that the human experience of oppression, and inhumane efforts to whitewash it, are universal. Whatever your background may be, I hope you’ll feel welcome.

And another…

If you are a leader in the church, your family, or any other community: You are in a position to help, but don’t be hasty. I don’t hate pastors or church leaders or fathers, but the pain runs deep. Most of this blog will be one-sided (my-sided). If the ideas in this blog are foreign to you, please read with an open mind to hear the other side of the story, and be patient to understand the true damage to a lost and wounded sheep.